Replaying Every Interacton Over and Over Again in My Mind

Discover Why You Do It…And How To Stop Once And For All

Have y'all ever replayed a chat in your head? How well-nigh 25 times after you got rejected?

This painful blueprint is something we all can relate to. Join Dr. Aziz in this insightful episode as he shows us why we do this in the beginning place. He then goes on to provide actionable strategies and techniques to let get of insecurity and embarrassment, replacing it with relaxed confidence and humour.

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Finish Replaying Conversations in Your Head

Do you replay conversations in your caput? Do you remember about them afterwards and imagine what yous said and if information technology was good enough how the other person responded, what they were really thinking of you? Does it exit you feeling tense and worried and stress and just accept the joy out of that chat and maybe even makes you worried about your adjacent chat coming up? If so, you're going to learn how to shift that in today's episode. You're going to learn how to break free and how to end replaying conversations in your caput in one case and for all.

Hello. Welcome to today's episode of the bear witness. I'g your host, Dr. Aziz. And I'k excited to exist with you here today because we're going to be talking about something that tripped me up for years, I mean, pretty much most of the time I was really stuck in shyness and social anxiety, I was doing this all the fourth dimension. And many of the clients that I talk to describe to me how they will replay conversations in their caput after they have them. It'southward hard to permit information technology go. Accept you lot ever had that experience? You leave any situation, it could be a party or a gathering or a day at work or going out to dinner with your girlfriend's parents or friends or whatsoever situation whatever where you've had a chat with someone and then you leave and your mind just starts just grinding away on it. You lot commencement replaying elements of the conversation, when y'all said this, when they said that, when you said this and and then they said that in response and it didn't go very well. And what's frequently happening is where peradventure sometimes yous're replaying the glory moments of the chat. The moment where you had everyone laughing and yous were the homo, but that'due south not really the case, usually we're replaying the tense moments, the bad-mannered moments, the uncomfortable moment and but replaying it again and again and again and each time it feels uncomfortable, you feel embarrassed, you feel insecure. What's going on here, why exercise we do that? And ultimately more importantly, how do we shift information technology? How do nosotros let that nonsense go, let it exist in the past, not worry near it, not stress virtually it, and just feel relax, comfy, secure in ourselves and confident to motion forward for our next conversation.

Then I'chiliad excited to share all of that with you today. If you'd similar to jump into the conversation, go to facebook.com/socialconfidence, that's facebook.com/socialconfidence that'due south where we post about the episodes and you can join in into the conversation there. You tin also go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and on at that place you'll observe prove notes, transcripts, all of the episodes archived, and you can actually transport me messages there also and I'll read them and I'll reply those questions in upcoming episodes of ask the compress, we'll accept footling segments in there, so shrinkfortheshyguy.com is a great way to stay in touch.

Why Exercise Nosotros Practice It?

At present, permit's get into replaying conversations in our head. Why practice we practice it in the first place? Because sometimes knowing why nosotros practise something can help us learn how to shift it, how to allow information technology go. So when you think virtually that why do y'all think yous replay conversations in your head afterward? What is the purpose of that pattern? Every pattern we do has a purpose. Information technology might now be supportive purpose or a loving purpose or a self-empathetic purpose only it has a purpose, so what is it doing? Specifically that pattern where you're replaying the awkward moments and feeling uncomfortable and feeling worried and feeling nervous and feeling insecure as if they don't like you lot or equally if y'all failed. Why on globe would we want to relive that moment again, and once more, and again? Recollect about it, what'southward your best guess?

Expert. Well, what I've found is in that location could be a couple of reasons why nosotros practice this. 1 is there is some conventionalities that by focusing on the failure on the uncomfortable moment, on the awkward moment we're going to learn something that's going to help usa improve in the future. That's one reason why we might do it. A generally bad mode of learning by focusing on all of your mistakes and not really coming upwards with corrective solutions of what you could've said or could've done simply but replaying the same error again and again. That'southward kind of similar if you're learning how to golf game and you had a video of your swing and you're going downward to swing to hit the ball and instead of hitting the brawl y'all miss and, bam, your lodge goes right into the grass, deep into the pitch, and you merely hacked up a bunch of grass and dirt and you have a lilliputian video of that. And y'all sit there and you only watch that video and each time you watch information technology you say, "Argh, man, that was terrible," let'southward rewind it again, "Oh, my God, ugh, that was awful. Geez, look at all that dirt you striking up, ugh," and rewind it again, "Yeah," you can just do that all 24-hour interval long and you're not learning anything, yous're not maxim, "Huh. Peradventure I came downwardly too fast or maybe my angle was off, maybe my stance a petty," y'all're non trouble solving, you lot're just wallowing in the discomfort of it. And that'south what we exercise. The extent of why we might be doing it is a reason to grow and improve and it doesn't work, that'south non how we grow, that's not how we improve, that's non how nosotros learn as humans. So that's bunk and all the same we still might think we're doing it for that reason.

Another reason why we practise information technology is we are hoping to discover some relief or salvation. So maybe we're feeling tense, maybe we're uncertain about whether someone likes usa and we desire them to like u.s.a.. We want them to similar us so they'll date us, so they'll slumber with us, so they'll be our friend, so they'll piece of work with u.s. or hire usa or buy from us, nosotros want them to like us. This is a basic homo want. And and then we're analyzing that moment again and again to come across if we can discover some evidence or sense of relief of, "Oh, maybe they do like me." Because at that place'southward that awkward moment, that tense moment where peradventure they don't like me, simply we replay information technology over again and nosotros lookout man information technology in our minds and we hope that nosotros'll find a sense of, "Oh wait, no, it'due south okay, they, whew, they practise like me," nosotros are trying to become some sense of certainty out of doing that. Of course yous know that usually doesn't piece of work because it's difficult to know where you stand with someone especially from vague stimulus similar their facial expression or how they responded to one of your jokes in ane conversation, in one moment, I mean, it's difficult to do that. And so we don't get the certainty we want but nosotros go along digging and earthworks and digging.

And there is one more than reason I constitute, I'yard sure in that location'south dozens and maybe you came upwards with a few yourself, merely there's one more super powerful reason that I plant that we replay conversations on our head, this is I think the biggest 1, the most powerful one and one worth noting and that is safety police. And then your safety police, I've talked about it in the previous episode, is a part of yous that wants to keep you safe, keep you inside your comfort zone, someday you do something outside of your comfort zone, it'due south terrified of getting rejected, of people not liking you, of failing, then your safety police volition say and practice whatever information technology tin can to keep yous within your comfort zone. And that might happen earlier like it might say, "Don't go talk to those people they're non going to similar you." Then if information technology does its task finer you don't become talk to those people. Simply let say you exercise take the conversation then subsequently, safety police is going to replay it and say, "Await at how awkward you were. It was terrible. So therefore don't become do this again in the futurity." Information technology's trying to stop you the next fourth dimension by making it seem then terrible and and so awkward. Then all of this stuff is just crazy making, information technology doesn't work, none of information technology is going to help you improve or get ameliorate at conversations or more confident or more than relaxed and it's not going to help you feel more free to be yourself effectually people. The only way to do that is to suspension free and to stop this blueprint once and for all. So let's talk about how to stop doing this. How to stop replaying conversations in your heed? First things beginning, it's important to realize that it doesn't serve you in a way. So all that stuff we're talking about before this suspension about why you're doing information technology, it's important to see through that, information technology'southward not going to make you amend, information technology'due south not going to help you acquire, it'south not going to improve your confidence in any mode. So you want to pay attending to that and see through those stories that somehow this is making me better. Considering when we call up something is important or we need to exercise it, you might end up continuing to run that design. So you got to see through that and say, "Yous know what this is not helping me acquire. This is non how I'm going to learn." In fact, how are yous going to learn how to be meliorate [inaudible 0:10:52.4] I hateful, possible, you could look back and say, "Huh. What are three different things I could've said there that may have gone better?" that's a great way to learn. So that's more focused, that's more specific, that has an actual purpose to it, but does replaying of the conversation just again and once again on autopilot is not giving you anything.

Self-Hate

Secondly, it's helpful to just place it for what it really is. Are you ready? Self-hate, it's self-hate, it's you hating yourself. It's you beingness hard on yourself. It'southward you being a dick to yourself. It'southward y'all criticizing yourself and abusing yourself. Now, we don't desire to exercise whatever of that. We desire to put a end to all of that. That is my mission in my life and with anyone else that I worked with or talk to is to help them stop doing that and information technology's and then common, so ubiquitous, so sneaky that most of us don't even know all the ways that we're doing it. Only here's an obvious fashion, chirapsia yourself over the head again and again with a terrible replay of a chat that didn't go the mode yous wanted it to, that is cocky-hate and it'south helpful to just to say that and say hey, that'south cocky-hate. And when, I mean, I barely replay conversations simply if I exercise, that's what I'll say, I'll say, "Hey, this is self-hate. I don't need to do this anymore," or "I don't practise this," or "That's non helpful," and I'll simply say that out loud like, "Whoa. Whoa. That'southward non helpful." And I've build this up, this pattern enough up to claiming that self-hate and then then it doesn't keep going, I'll say, "Expect a minute, that's not helpful. I don't need to do that. I don't exercise that," and information technology'south an identity statement for me information technology's similar "Hey, I don't do that. That'south non how I grow. That's not how I learn. That'south not how I treat myself. I have more respect for myself than that."

So it's interrupting that blueprint, identifying it as self-detest and then our mind does not do so well with trying to stop it from doing something. "End thinking most coffee, whatever you exercise," let's say you're not trying to drink coffee or something, "Don't think about coffee," and and then all you tin can do is imagine those beans and that liquid coming through and I imagine the scent and we attempt not to do something in our head and we're just going to proceed doing it. Then nosotros desire to interrupt that pattern, "Hey, this is cocky-detest, I don't demand to do this anymore." But then nosotros got to redirect our focus to something else.

Redirect Your Focus

So what could you redirect your focus to? Well, instead of focusing on the past and that past conversation, perhaps y'all can focus to something in the present or something in the time to come, those are smashing places, so bring yourself right back to this moment. You lot noticed yourself thinking about that chat; bring yourself to right at present in this moment. I bet right now in this moment, there's probably a feeling or an emotion that's uncomfortable that you don't want to feel, peradventure information technology's fear, fear of them not liking you, fear of non having friends. Possibly it's loneliness, maybe you're longing for something, you're longing for connection, you just wish that that person would've gone out with y'all or wanting to spend time with you as a friend and they didn't or you didn't have the backbone to enquire fifty-fifty and now you're replying the conversation in the past. Bring yourself into this moment and only face your feelings, breathe in and feel them right now. It's okay, you can face them. Yous tin can meet them with dear. You tin treat yourself with compassion correct now. "Yeah, okay, I'm lonely. Yep, it's okay to exist lonely." So many feelings we just don't permit ourselves have, "Don't be lonely, solve the trouble, go better at conversations. Don't mess that up." Information technology's like, "Whoa, whoa, yeah. All right. I'm lonely right now. Where do I feel that? Oh, I feel it in my eye, oww, it hurts or it aches," okay, great. Experience that. Breathe into that. Don't ran away from information technology just face information technology and stay with it and it volition move through y'all, it will pass, even before yous notice the friends and the love that you desire, just experience the feeling and it moves, information technology's just free energy. And so bring yourself into the present. Experience the feelings that y'all're feeling.

Or bring your attention and energy to something in the moment, your senses, what you're hearing, what you lot're smelling, what y'all're doing, what you're focusing on, if you lot're driving, paying attention to the colors and the route and your hands on the wheel, bringing yourself into this moment. Or think nearly something in the future that excites you, that compels you, what do I want to… this is a great question I beloved, to bring my focus out of some self-hate is what practise I want to create in my life. What am I well-nigh excited about creating or contributing? What am I excited about doing? What do I want to create in my life? And that gets your focus on something totally dissimilar. Ultimately something that's way more than important and way closer to your purpose than did I get that person to like me past fugitive all social awkwardness and discomfort.

Do you lot see what I'm maxim here? Then you want to shift your focus out of self-hate and out of the past and into the present moment or something that excites y'all almost the future, something that compels you to drive forrad. Good. So in that location'due south a key component to replaying conversations that makes it particularly challenging and it's like this itch that we keep scratching and that'south embarrassment. And I accept something fun I want to share near embarrassment, about how to deal with the embarrassment after conversations and probably ane of my favorite stories of my life that I want to share with you that is until at present gotten pretty rare airtime just the occasional grouping of friends, now and and so I would share it. So now I'm going to share it here with yous today and I'm sure my brother who's the fundamental character of the story is going to be pleased every bit punch that he gets to have this story, this embarrassing story revealed.

So 1 of the main challenges of replaying conversations in our head is something embarrassing happened or we felt embarrassed and that's the function that we replay. And what nosotros're trying to practise is we're trying to… almost we're wishing that we didn't exercise it or nosotros're regretting that we said or didn't say something or wish, "Oh, I wish I could just get back and change information technology because I felt embarrassed in that moment." Y'all're focus on this ane moment of but trying to avoid that but the reality is you lot want to change your relationship to embarrassment overall, not just in that one moment but in your unabridged life. If you run from embarrassment then your life is going to be limited and small and kind of shitty. You need to overcome that fear of embarrassment. And this isn't just for social confidence, this is to succeed and excel in anything, this is to exist supremely comfortable in your ain peel, this is to just have a life of boggling conviction. A life worth living, a life of existence who you actually are and meant to be is going to be shedding that paranoia of embarrassment, "What, oh God, ahh." Because embarrassment really is I did something or didn't practise something only commonly it's I did something and now equally a result I'm imagining people are judging me for it.

So if you were to go to a street corner in a busy area and just start dancing to no music the reason yous might feel embarrassed to do that is you imagine people are going to watch you lot and gauge you. Peradventure people even practise stop and wait at you and then y'all imagine, "They're judging me. They think I'g stupid. They think I'yard foolish," that's what embarrassment is. So it'll all comes back to caring a lot nigh what other people think. And if you can shed that so your life simply becomes and so much better. So 1 way, I hateful, there'due south a whole ton we could do most this, I even have an episode I believe called Embarrass You Way to Conviction. If you lot dig back through the athenaeum of this prove at that place's a ton about this inside of my plan, Confidence Unleashed on how to overcome embarrassment too as xxx Days to Dating Mastery.

If you want to exercise deep swoop and actually burning out your embarrassment circuit, cheque out Confidence Unleashed that program will change your life. I tip around that right now though is yous want to let embarrassment in, you know what allow'southward not fight it. So if there'southward that moment, you're replaying it and you said that affair similar, "Yeah. And then everyone could become to the mall," and you thought it's going to exist a hilarious joke and then everyone is kind of looked at you, "Wait, what? Go to the… that doesn't makes, what?" And y'all're like, "Because the, because the mall it's where the," crickets, awkward terrible silence, we're only wallowing information technology. And then what you lot want to practice is instead of cringing and fighting and running abroad from information technology just slow down and breathe and let it in, allow in that creepy crawly burny feeling of embarrassment, just let information technology in and don't run away from it, don't fight it, merely allow it fire through you. Cipher is at stake, you're safe, there's no threat, you're non going to die, it's simply a feeling. And the more than you lot can just tolerate that feeling, the more powerful you lot become. And so what you lot'll find is that embarrassing stuff and stupid stuff when you lot look back on information technology later is actually funny. And so the side by side day or even later, run into, if you're not terrified of embarrassment you can really express mirth at yourself and so afterward in that evening y'all could make a joke virtually shitty your joke was earlier. You have and so much more social freedom and ability when you're not so terrified of the embarrassment or make it mean this bad thing most you.

And again, our most embarrassing moments can become hilarious stories. Example in indicate is my brother'south 25th altogether bash. Now, this story is from, what is he now? I think he's 35 now, so ten years ago and yet it still lives stiff in my memory. So we were in China for his 25th birthday, I'm two years younger so I was 23 or 22 and a half or whatever, and we were visiting the eastern function of Cathay which is chosen the Xinjiang Province and about 50 to 60% of the people living in that part of China which borders Transitional islamic state of afghanistan and other countries do non look similar what y'all imagine as typical Chinese. They are brown skinned, they look more similar Eye Eastern Mongolian almost and they're Muslims and there is like this kind of very different cultures. So my brother who taught in Mainland china for a year, taught English was ever fascinated, he's like, "Nosotros got to get to Xinjiang. We got to travel the silk road, human," because I guess there's these cities that people would transport, thousands of years agone people would transport silk and other fine fabrics and spices and shit, so I was like, "I don't know, man. To travel to China and silk road," and he'south like, "You got to go, human," and he sends me these photos of like just cute fabrics and culture and cute buildings and I was like, "Yeah." And at that time I was like really just taking life on, I was starting to shed and challenge some of my fears, and so I was like, "Yous know what," at that place's this volume I'd read or something where a guy had said, "If there'due south a fork in the road, take it," so I was like, "Yeah, at that place'southward a fork in the road, have it. Brother, I'm coming to Communist china." And then fast-frontward nosotros're in that location, nosotros've been for whatever, a couple of weeks, I call up I'd merely fucking horrible diarrhea and sick of shit for days on terminate. And nosotros're at… he has a friend there who was a student in ane of his classes then his friend was kind of showing united states effectually Xinjiang which is where he was from. And then nosotros're going from metropolis to city and he takes usa to a friend of his business firm in the capital chosen Ürümqi and nosotros're in that location and information technology's similar these three dudes who alive in this similar piddling concrete bunker that is… I don't even know if it had a window, I don't think it had a window, the bathroom was like a conjoined bathroom between multiple of these little houses, so imagine like a 10×10 concrete footling bunker that had a bed in it and similar bad 1980s poster of some guy making out with a adult female in similar zebra print of something. So we're sitting at that place in this little tiny room, these three guys, my blood brother's friend, Mohammad, my brother and me, and so there'due south was six of us in this room and ane of the guy leaves and comes back a little later with some hash and then he makes a pipe out of a magazine page and they get-go to pass this hash pipage effectually. And existence a hardcore UCSB grad that I am I was like, "Hash, whatever," and so it came to me and I took a hit and I realized promptly subsequently that I was like, "Whoa, this is strong." The adjacent fourth dimension it came effectually and I turn down because I was like that'due south really intense. My brother though, he didn't have equally much exposure and feel with, I recall hash is not marijuana but yous know similar. And he also has a stint of pride in him. So it's like "Well, if these guys are doing information technology, I ain't no sissy," so he takes it again and it goes effectually again and again and again and I think I perhaps took one or two hits and he took like five or six or something, I don't know, he took a lot. So then nosotros're sitting in this room afterward smoking hash and then the guys all pull out cigarettes and they just first smoking cigarette afterward cigarette in this little physical bunker with no windows and it starts getting really gross and intense in in that location, I start getting a little lightheaded and I'grand like, "Dude, let's go outside for a second," he'southward like, "Okay." So we become outside and we sit down on this bench that'south right exterior their firm and I think I accept my shoes on simply I recall my brother left his shoes off because we were merely at these people'south house and you lot take your shoes off, so nosotros're sitting on this bench, I got my shoes on, he's in his socks, and we're sitting out there and I expect over at him and he'south like leaning dorsum equally far as y'all can with his head against the back of the bench looking upwards at the sky like breathing heavily like  I'm like, "Dude, you okay?" and and so he leans forward, he leans forward and gets his hands kind of over his knees and just start spitting he'southward like [inaudible 0:27:06.two] I'm like, "Dude, are you all right?" And he's similar, "I don't feel very good." I was like, "Yes. Yeah. We should go you back to the hotel," because the hotel wasn't that far away and he'due south similar, "Yeah, okay." so I popular dorsum in the room and I'm similar, "All right, guys, I'k going to walk Art back to the hotel. We'll take hold of yous in a little flake."

And I catch, I don't know, I recollect some dude's sandals or something and but put them on at my brother'due south anxiety and he likes shuffles back with me, he's kind of leaning on me pretty heavily as we become back to the hotel room. And then equally nosotros walk, just about to walk through the double doors, the sliding doors of the hotel, over again, my brother's pride kicks in where he's like, "I can't be seen," he has it together enough to like pull his sensation together and he'south like, "I don't want to be seen like leaning heavily on my brother looking all intoxicated." So he like takes a deep breath and kind of pushes off of me and like strides confidently through the double doors only so the hotel personnel don't think less of him. And he makes information technology to the lift and we get on the elevator and we're on like, I don't know, like the 7th floor, the eighth floor, so we get in there, we press the button and information technology's a slow elevator, then we're going up the floor it's like ding, flooring two, ding, floor iii, and discover he looks at the flooring or the number where the floor is displayed and it'due south similar floor 3 and he looks away [inaudible ding and he looks back and he looks abroad. I could tell that he was like hoping for it to become to flooring eight and then right around floor 6 he goes  he starts to belch and and then I'm like… and and so a wet belch, I'yard like "That doesn't sound good," and then right before we go to flooring 8  he just likes vomits all over the elevator similar on the floor, on the walls, it was only intense. And and so I'm similar, "Eww," and the door opens and we ran out and we're trying to get around the hall to our room and we get to our room and I have the central and he'southward standing there with his hand confronting the wall like breathing heavily and I press the door into the… the central into the door and then pull it out and it'due south 1 of those digital keys where if it's a good… if it fits then it turns the light greenish, so I turn, I put it in there and move the card out, red light. I'grand like, "What the fuck? Did I not put it in right?" and I put it in again, made sure information technology was right, the arrow is place in the correct manner, pull it out, red light. So my two errors there cost us valuable time and wouldn't you know information technology Art but barfs all over our floor correct in front end of our room. So now it's like if we hadn't done that, poor person has to clean the lift has no one to pin information technology on, correct, like, "Who did this in the lift?" but at present they're going to clean the elevator and they're going to get upwardly to floor eight right in front of our door and it'due south obvious it was us. Anyhow, so he vomits all over the floor and we become into the room, I mean, the story has layers of depth which I can't even get into about, nosotros get him into the bathroom and and so he'south similar, I'm like washing him his hair in the tub with a removable handle shower and information technology was good times. He kind of came to his senses in a little bit and nosotros but had a fantastic express mirth. We actually had a swell laugh that night.

And then sometimes if y'all're lucky, your nigh embarrassing moments can be funny even that very nighttime. And sometimes it just takes a couple of days or a couple of weeks. And then when you look back at moments from your own life, some of the stuff that seemed terrible and embarrassing then awkward, tin y'all just run into it as kind of funny? I mean, isn't it kind of silly? Don't nosotros go and love to watch movies and TV shows where all they do is display awkward scenes like anything with Larry David in it, lots of Seinfeld'due south and Curb Your Enthusiasm, I mean, that's just scene afterwards scene after scene of some awkward shit. Napoleon Dynamite, those are similar these awkward moments and they're hilarious. Then you can accept that same lens and view your own life in the same fashion. In fact, that really brings us to our activity step for today.

Action Footstep

Your activeness step for today is to think well-nigh ane moment in your past that you use to meet as embarrassing and perhaps cringe when y'all think about information technology and actually see how you can shift it to see the humor, can you encounter how it'southward funny, can you meet the joke, can y'all take yourself a little less seriously and just first to smile at it. Only get-go to come across the whole matter with humor. See the humor in the situation, in yourself, in the people around, and it tin can be a fun light moment. Maybe just share a humor, share a laughter with yourself and with others. So that'due south your action stride for today. And by all ways get to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and send me a message, let me know how this is working for you and I love to get the feedback, I love to hear from people, so I await frontward to hearing from y'all in that way. And until we speak once more, may y'all have the courage to exist who you are and to know on a deep level that you lot're crawly. I'll talk to you lot soon.

Music Credit

All music is licensed or royalty gratuitous.

Intro:
DeepSound – Rain Clouds
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Enquire The Shrink:
Boccherini Minuet
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Action Step:
Justin Crosby – Skrillit
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Outro:
Lokfield – Terra's Theme Dubstep
soundcloud.com/lokfield
(Creative Commons License)

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